my bedroom + feeling unloved i feel really lonely. after i left that discord server, i kinda lost a bunch of friends at the same time. its not like people blocked me or anything but idk we lost contact after i left for good. i only speak to a combined 3 people in my life now- mom, sister and a friend. i do have another friend but she barely speaks to me because shes paranoid about discord, yet never reaches out to me on other social platforms we have eachother on ;-; am i really that boring??

my bedroom + feeling unloved i just feel like i am always the last priority- my room has been undecorated for 10+ years. the walls are plaster and cracking...we have to wait for the council to come out to do repairs but ive been waiting years. i could never have friends over or sleepovers because my room looks abandoned. and then because the walls started to crack, and plaster would fall on me- i moved out of my room and slept on the sofa for 5 years ;-; then my room was used as storage for those 5 years. and this year my room was emptied and i remember talking to my mom about what bed i wanted. and i told her "a bunk bet without a bottom bunk, so that i sleep near the ceiling and preserve space" why did she get me the thickest slightly raised bed that takes up half of my room ??? when i say it like that, i feel like im being ungrateful. but ive lost half of my room space. i cant have shelves now or a pc. im going to have to just have a wardrobe. and its not fair. im very big on "your room is a look into your personality" im very big on having a cute room that i like. but i cant do that now i was thinkimg anout it yesterday and i was genuinely getting upset because, why is it that my mom and my sister can have the big rooms which are already mostly decorated but my room is smaler than our bathroom and is still undecorated? i cant even close my door because my room is still being used as a storage room. my sisters bedroom furniture is in there taking up most of the space so when i walk into my room i have about two steps of space and then my huge boxy bed :( its so unfair i just dont feel loved in any aspect of my life. my sister is allowed to sit in her room all day and not do sny chores, she doesnt get asked to make mom some food, she doesnt get asked to feed the pets, she doesnt get asked to make mom cups of tea. its all me. im never allowed to just do nothing. but then when i purposely stay in my room for the day- im being selfish because 'youre only doing that because you want to get out of doing chores' yes?????? im tired of it....you dont need me specifically to feed the pets, clean up the house and make you 4 cups of tea, 2 meals and get you snacks. you have legs, you have arms. do it yourself. if i show any sign that i dont want to do it- im selfish. or my mom goes to chatgpt and vents to it then comes back to me and tells me im abusive. i just cant win ever the obvious answer to all of this is moving out. but i know i wouldnt be able to cope. so im just...here stressed, depressed and constantly feeling like an unpaid servant. im basically harry potter minus the fancy accent and powers.

i hate christians i saw a post about this christian woman from a food chain, wendy's i think...anyways they were putting bible verses (not actual verses but like proverbs) and im so tired of religion being soved up my ass.... im so tired oh my god... and you could say 'oh but why just christians?' because theyre the only ones who force their bullshit in your face online. ive never seen a post about islam where they try and slowly and subtly introduce it into our daily lives....CHRISTIANITY IS WRITTEN INTO LAWS..... like hello wake the fuck up... youre being indoctrinated. NO RELIGION should have this much power or be written into fucking laws. did we forget the men who wrote abortion rights out of law were christian men and used the bible for their reasoning?!....anyways i commented on the post 'as a-' no bc shut up. if a muslim did this, the entire country would be fuelled with rage. i dont care what religion you follow- stop pushing it down pour throats.' AND SOME KNUCKLE HEAD replied 'no actually its the opposite. if a muslim did this, any backlash to it would get a massive negative response. racist this, islamaphobic that' MAYBE BECAUSE WHEN PEOPLE CRITICISE MUSLIMS THEY ARE INFACT RACIST AND SAY RACIST SHIT????????????????????????????????????????? WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUTTTTTTTTTT DID YOU FORGET WHO WAS BLAMED FOR 911? WHO IS BLAMED FOR MOST OF THE CRIMES IN AMERICA????????????? like oh my fucking god you people are so stupid. christians dont get their rights ripped away, they dont get ICE called on them for existing, they dont get labelled as terrorists, they dont get their hijabs ripped from their heads. MOST MUSLIM WOMEN ARENT ALLOWED TO PERSUE AN EDUCATION...MEANWHILE CHRISTIANS IN AMERICA ARE SHOOTING UP SCHOOLS. I DONT WANNA HEAR SHIT FROM YOU

tw grooming i just remembered when i was 13? and being groomed- the guy pretty much threatened me into doing a video call..bc he said he woukd tell my mom about what we were doing...so i had to call him on an app called houseparty...and he made me use a fake name i think it was kiya? but during this call someone joined and said my real name and i want to throw up - i csnt bresth whey doee my brein mske me rrmenber thes things i dint wanr to think abourt this stuff leasv me alone

suicide when i think about killling myself, i just htink...like what is the poijt. ive tried before- it failed and...like im just wasting time. i canr even kill myself correctly.

(◞‸◟)💧 everytime i get a little happy its like my brain wont allow it so- it makes me ultra depressed. im getting tired of waiting for therapy its taking forever and i need to be seen by someone right now. the biggest thing thats bugging me right now is not being able to put into words what im going through without sounding like im trying to self diagnose. its confirmed i have symptoms of splitting(in bpd context) its literally confirmed by a doctor who's area of expertise is mental health. but if i say 'oh yeah i keep splitting' i sound like im self diagnosing. but thats the best way i can describe it? like what else can i say without talking for 6 years and seeming like im trying to self disgnose? 'oh yeah something happens like a fallout with a friend and then my brain gaslights me into thinking im an abusive piece of shit, and then after ive calmed down i hate them and i blame everything on them and i impusively block people and leave spaces online and impusively think about killing myself...and then 3 seconds later im like hey so this is stupid lmao...and i go back to normal' is that what im supposed to say????????? like omfg...i also feel like ultra woke and morally superior communities have absolutely ruined my mental health because now im just scared to talk..vent..anything because every time i do someone gets triggered and calls me aggressive- or i get villainised. like yeah guys sorry i acted strongly with emotions whilst i was indeed overcome with strong emotions. ill try not the be human next time. like this has genuinely happened to me- awhile back i want to say in june but ive already forgotten. i was venting about something that had triggered me, and in my distressed state i forgot to spoiler "ED" and the owner, zoey pulled me up on it mid vent whilst i was still extremely upset and made it very clear on how i had triggered her and that shes uncomfortable so she needs to delete the vent. so i impulsively left the server...and then she started like idk talking to other members and said "i didnt mean to,,," "im sorry for being such a snowflake i guess" and ????????????? she didnt even reach out to apologise to me, i was the one to reach out and apologise profusely for making her uncomfy. and then of course it happened again- but i was feeling worse, i had seen some triggering lolisho pedobait art and it immediately made me want to vomit so i started venting which turned into a rant about how people need to not post that and also how i dont feel bad for these people. and again zoey pulled me up on it and said the topic is triggering, yet a month prior a different person was venting about a similarly problematic topic and that was fine? i said ok, deleted the vent but i didnt leave because i was trying to not be impulsive (i did clear my profile and delete discord bc i was hysterical but i got it back when i was calm) but when i came back i saw that zoey had made an announcement and said basically the rant/vent channel was going to be under a lock (just like...you need to react to get access) and then said "this isnt because of anyone /srs" and all i could think is like...does she think im naive? of course this is about me. you scold me for venting and then maybe an hour later the VERY CHANNEL you scolded me in is now under a lock and key? alright... so i left the server and i have not joined back, i wont join back. im not going to continue being in a space where clearly i am not cared for. and yesterday i was thinking about this situation and i was so angry that everyone had just moved on...no one has checked on me no one has apologised. so i blocked zoey. i IP blocked her on toyhouse. and i feel a lot better actually. im still upset and affected by this situation but now ive blocked her i just feel...like i dont need to cry over all this anymore.

gender bs huhuhuuu .·°՞(っ-ᯅ-ς)՞°·. i feel like even if i do everything possible to affirm my gender it will never be enough? i draw the cute art, i have the cute website, i have the cute strawpage, i have the cute sona, i have kawaii loving mutuals, i say cute things, my interests are cute....but i feel like im just..some chud larping as a cute girl online. its never enough and ill never feel feminine nor female....and its extra annoying because if i were to talk about this with my mom, she would think im coming out to her as trans...like she doesnt listen and jumps to the moon with conclusions. :(

fuck ass doctors appointment AUGHHHHTHTHTHTHHGGGG ive been staying awake for like.....hoursssssss... because i had a phone appointment with someone from the psych ward at "sometime after 10:30am" and ??? i need a specific time so...ive beeen awake for hours waiting for this call....but they called my mom's number instead of mine imcrine....so i missed the call ՞߹ - ߹՞՞߹ - ߹՞՞߹ - ߹՞՞߹ - ߹՞